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Sasquatch/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, nothing seems to bother my wife more than finding beard trimmings in the sink. These little guys are harder to get rid of than ants at a picnic. They never all go down the drain and if you try to wipe them up you just end up spreading them around. This made me think there must be a faster, smarter way to deal with the situation. Well faster anyway. So here's what you do, before starting to trim your beard put on a good thick layer of our old friend gunpowder. You know in the old days they used to powder wigs. This is a lot more practical. Okay, step two, just trim your beard over the sink the same way as usual unless you're a chain smoker in which case you should probably be outside 'cause if you're not you will be. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. And now with one last easy step, you'll not only please your wife, you'll whisk her away. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate it. Appreciate it. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. A big hairy thing was spotted up near rock reef point. On no, no, no, it was like a sasquatch or a bigfoot -- that kind of thing. But nobody got a picture of it so I'm going to try and capture it on video. I don't want to say anything 'till I have proof otherwise I could end up with a big foot in my big mouth. Uncle red! Uncle red! Somebody stole my video camera! [ cheers and applause ] my video camera -- somebody stole my video camera which is very weird because I hid it like you told me to. Yeah but you hid it where I told you to. Just give me that. Do you want the whole thing? I'm going to need it back though, harold because I want to do a little videotaping. Have you ever seen a sasquatch? Not yeti. Right? Right? What? What? You're wasting your time. There's no such thing as a bigfoot. Hey, I used to think there was no such thing as a big goof... And look. Did you know they're offering a 20000 dollar prize for anybody that can catch one of those animals on camera? Wow. I figure if we work together, you know, we could both win. Wow, we would each get 10000 dollars? I was figuring I'd get the 20, you'd get the camera back. I guess, yeah. Oh, I'm just kidding, I guess. Okay. You know, everybody's going to be looking for that sasquatch, you know. I mean, you're going to have to have a plan. Well that's why we need to be a team, harold, because one-and-a-half heads are better than one. You and me a team, uncle red? A team, yeah. Wow. That's be great. Yeah, I'll be the cameraman. Okay, what'll I be? The bait. [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] and today's winner receives this coupon for a weekend with a grizzly bear. It's a real, live, grizzly bear taken from the wilderness and brought to your home for two days and two nights of non-stop excitement. Warning: Do not wear anything salmon coloured. Okay, bonnie, cover your ears. Uncle red, you have 30 seconds to get my fiancee bonnie to say this word. Yeah, all right, harold. And go! Okay, bonnie, this person is the head of the household. Mom! No, okay, okay. In the garden of eden, what was adam? Eve's assistant. No, okay. If one of the lodge members does something incredible, the other guys will say you are a real... Idiot! No, no, no. Okay, bonnie, what is the opposite of woman? Whiner. Okay, okay. A girl grows up to be a woman. A boy grows up to be a? Bigger boy. No, okay, okay. Oh, I know. What has more muscles than a women? A seafood casserole. [ both laughing ] that's true a little bit. I'm surrounded here. Okay, bonnie, you're going to marry harold and you're going to make a what out of him? A lot of babies. [ harold panting ] uncle red, you're almost out of time. You should talk. All right, bonnie. What am I? Well, okay... But I hope you can take this like a man. Yes, that's it! [ applause ] you know, I saw something the other day and it made me start to think that maybe I'm losing it. What'd you see? A full length mirror? Thanks, red. No, I guy I went to high school with made the papers. Oh, I've been in the papers several times. Yeah, in the "be on the lookout for" section. Any publicity is good publicity. They had a big article about this guy. Oh yeah, now I hear you. Nothing worse than seeing a big picture of someone you know standing in front of the opening of their new mercedes dealership. No, this guy, he graduated when I did. He was in the obituary section. Oh my. Yeah. My first reaction was a deep, sincere, cheerful laugh. You blew it buddy! Cigarettes don't look so cool now do they mr. School president. Then it hit me like a wild raccoon. That guy was three years younger than me. Well you said he graduated when you did. Yeah and you never failed a grade? Anyway, it made me realize I'm living on borrowed time. Better than living on prison time. I could go just like that. I could go at any time. It's beyond my control. I could just go and that would be it. Yeah, well when I feel like that I take kaopectate. Look at it this way, the average person lives to be 80 years old. This guy that died was probably around 40. That means that you're going to live to be 120 just to bring the average up to 80, see? Oh, yeah, so I am gonna live to be 120 years old. That's right. Okay. Yeah. Wow. I wonder what it'd be like to be that old? [ applause ] you know, for the past few years, I've been taking a lot of grief about driving around in a gas guzzler. Now to me, it was all talk but then I filled up the tank the other day and it cost the same as what I paid for the vehicle in the first place. Of course, junior singleton says look at the bright side, a full tank of gas doubles the value of the van. But when I want the bright side, I don't go to junior. So today on handyman corner, I'm going to build an energy-efficient car that's going to save me money and make me look smart. You know, the key to an energy-efficient vehicle is really the weight. The lower the weight, the less horsepower you need which is really why you never see a 200-pound jockey and of course, the simplest way to keep the weight down is to keep the size down. Which is way you never see a six-foot-four jockey either. Okay, well I've got the weight down, I've got the size down but I've still got to compromise. Which is fine, most of the lodge members welcome comprising positions. For example, I'm running this vehicle off a floor polisher motor powered by a car battery running through an inverter. The good news is, I don't have to buy gas. The bad news is I don't have enough power to turn the wheels. So I'm going to use the chain and sprockets from this 10-speed bike to give myself a little mechanical advantage. You've seen those guys riding up a steep hill where their feet are going like a hundred miles an hour and the bike is only going three kind of like buster hatfield's mouth compared to his brain. Well that's how I'm going to make this vehicle work. That's the compromise. I'm happy to give up speed to make the vehicle more efficient. Am I turning into a dork? [ laughing like harold ] well it wasn't easy but I got my 10-speed chain drive hooked up, wired to the car battery which I mounted here so this is almost one of those fancy heated seats. We're a little cramped for space on this unit. Next week I may add a trailer hitch. All right, let's take her for a little test spin, shall we? Maybe I'll go by the gas station and show them how my thumb can touch my nose while my fingers do the hula. [ electrical buzzing ] [ electrical sparks ] had a bit of a re-think. The battery was adding too much weight so I got it out of there and I'm replacing it with this solar panel. Then I need somewhere to mount it so I got rid of the car body, stuck on a dog house. Okay sure, maybe it's not as aerodynamic but at the speed I'm going, it's not really going to be an issue. Bernice is going to love this. No more speeding tickets and the solar panel means I'll always have to get home before dark. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome -- no, hey buddy, we traded. [ dog barks ] [ electrical buzzing ] [ dog barking ] I was watching a stand-up comic on tv the other night and I noticed a funny thing. It wasn't his act. Comedian's don't tell jokes any more. It's all observations now. And here's the difference, if someone says you put on a few pounds, that's an observation. If they say that just picked you out on a satellite map, that's a joke. But the sort of jokes I really miss are the classics. The ones that start with something good like... Two penguins walk into a bar or elmer fudd and heather locklear are fly-fishing or a laywer and then pretty much anything after that. And a joke is supposed to have a punchline like, I've heard of smoking your bratwurst but this is ridiculous. Or sweetheart, I was talking to the duck or that's not the canoe but keep paddling. Somewhere along the line, jokes fell out of fashion and I think it's high time we brought them back. And I'm not the only one who feels that way. Take my wife, please. Remember, I'm pulling for you, we're all in this together. [ cheers and applause ] well, harold and I are good to go with our sasquatch hunt even though we're really getting razzed about it. The guys are asking me, are you going to walk or ride a unicorn? But you know, 30 seconds of video makes a huge difference... Ask paris hilton. [ audience laughter ] harold, are you dressed yet? Harold: Coming! Yeah, I'm just the cameraman, harold's the star. [ laughter and applause ] this looks stupid! Well sure it looks stupid to us because we're not sasquatches. It's like, normally, you look goofy to me but to other people -- okay, that's a bad example. [ sarcastically ] ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Why are you wearing camouflage? Well I thought I would blend into the forest. I don't want to spook the sasquatch. Well maybe just take your shirt off, he'll think he's at a family reunion. No, no, harold, you're the bait here. Okay, you got the female costume. You're the attraction. Really? Yeah, yeah. Now let me see you walk like a female bigfoot. Oh, okay. No, no, no, no, no. Harold, harold. You got to sell it. You got to sell it. You got to lead with the hips. You've got to work it, harold, work it, work it, work it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] that's it, work it, really work it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Back it off a notch, you're a lady. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, okay. That's good. Now imaging I'm back over here with the camera. Okay. And then the sasquatch comes over, sees you. He grunts a little bit. Now, he may put his arms around you but I want to see his face, right so you want to move him around. Get him around like that? Like that? Right on the camera. Okay. [ cheers and applause ] all right, this is a bit of a typo. It should say we learn me good. They were having indoor soccer at the local school. Luckily it's a big parking lot. A lot of time for me to stop there and the bunch of us were going to go in and take on whatever team showed up. We got some skills, I think. You know... Don't judge it by dalton. So in we go, go right in to the gym there and expecting to see, you know, a bunch of guys like ourselves and instead of that it's the scrawnist, most pathetic-looking team of soccer players you're ever going to see. Look at these guys. [ red laughing ] but then, you know, they start kind of moving the ball and they're kind of -- hey, hey, hey, these guys aren't -- dalton's going to show them, this is our style. Oh, oh... So we dropped the ball and got off to kind of a slow start. I thought, you know what, somebody should play goal don't you think? I don't think it should be me. So winston says he's going to take over because he's had some experience in goal and yeah... It was a much better form missing and then... So now it's three-nothing and okay, now four-nothing now dalton's going to -- no, you get out of there. Dalton's going to take over. Now it's five-nothing. Six, seven, eight-nothing. All right, so the bunch of us all go in goal. Nine-nothing. Okay so now mike decides he's going to stay in goal. We're going to get the best defense is a great offense where's the ball? Where's the ball? There it is over there and they take it around but mike has a great move, under the shirt. No, what? I don't see any ball? Oh, oh, oh, oh boy. So the ball comes free. Winston kicks out to me, I kick over to dalton. Now put it in, dalton. No, no, ohh.... So now we have to chase the ball down the hall. I take -- I think the cafeteria's over this way yeah, absolutely, so we get in there. This is like having 20 more chairs on your team. So we get it out of there and it goes down the hall and we go this way and I think there's a wall at that end of the hall. Yeah, there is. And we get her going and then winston lifts one, hits the ventilating pipe, knocks it, bounces off and then down the pipe. Now we got to follow the ball all the way down still it's in our possession, though and it takes us all the way back into the gym. Looking good, knocks the vent off that end. Oh, it's a back door shot off mike. 11-nothing, wow. [ cheers and applause ] there's always a big premium on waterfront property. You know, the cottage right on the beach will be, like, 40 grand but you can buy the one across the street for 500 bucks. I'm just talking about real estate values in our area. Yours may not be that high. Of course, what you're paying for is access to the lake so you can go fishing anytime you want. But what if there was a way you could still go fishing even though you were a fair ways back from the water? I've just converted my flagpole into an intercontinental, ballistic fishing rod. Now I can fish right over my neighbour's property. You've heard of the one that got away? This'll be the one from a block away. I ran the deep sea fishing line up through the eyelets of the flagpole, hooked the lure onto the possum van. Now I just need to add a little tension. Bernice always says I'm good at that. [ slingshot sound ] got one! Drag it right past those rich, lakeside cottagers. Drag my fish right past their snooty noses. [ red laughing ] I forgot, they have cats. Well that was ridiculous. What a complete moron he is. No, I don't think you should judge people, uncle red. Oh yes you should. You should judge people, harold. If you don't, you end up spending your whole life hanging around with idiots. Yes but so do they. So we're out in the woods right in the deep spot right where the sasquatch was seen before and I got the camera all set up. Harold's sitting on a log and honestly, harold, you looked good. Well, you know, I tried. Did you like the way I was sitting? You know I was sitting -- I was really sitting good. I tried to be a little coy, a little naive, you know. I'm a little available but not, you know. You've been practicing your whole life, harold so that helps. And then -- and then -- and then, all of a sudden out of nowhere comes the sasquatch. Well all I can think is, I hope I can work the camera. And all I can think of is I hope it's not mating season. And he comes over and he embraces harold like we rehearsed. I didn't let him touch me, uncle red. Good girl, okay. And then harold works him around so I can get a full frontal and what do I see? It's not a bigfoot! It's not a sasquatch! It's buster hatfield in a hairy costume! Hairy costume! Making harold and I think we can pick up an easy 20 g's. All we got was a handful of fun fur. Yeah, you should have seen him. He looked really stupid. He looked goofy is what he looked like, that guy. Harold, don't ever move into a glass house. Okay. [ possum squealing ] oh, meeting time. Yeah, you go ahead harold. I'll be right down. Away you go. Work it, work it, work it. [ cheering and applause ] so if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting and you'd think after spending the whole day with harold in that costume, I'd be tired of seeing a lady bear but apparently I'm not. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down. You've got to sit down now. Sit down. Sit down in the back. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man but I can change if I have to I guess. Okay, buster hatfield, I see you back there. Stand up, stand up. All right, buster's going to give us a big apology in a minute but before he does that I think we all have to be mature enough to admit there is no such thing as a sasquatch. Okay, I mean, it's a figment of our imagination. It has nothing to do with any type of reality and I think it's part of growing up and when you're a kid, fine, there's things like fairies and there are fairies but a sasquatch... No.